Today, I opened a new box of Kotex panty liners. The first thing that struck me is that no piece of paper any more can go without being printed on. I don’t mean the brand name — that’s to be expected, I suppose — but the peel-off backing had menstruation tips printed on it. Who needs books and poetry and essays and such when they can read their panty liner backing?

The tip I glanced at was something along the lines of, “Staying physically active during your cycle will help to relieve cramps.”

Okay, go out and catch some nice, diarrhea-inducing disease. Got it? Okay, good. Are you experiencing the wonderful intestinal cramping that comes with diarrhea? Good.

Now feel inspired to “stay physically active” as your innards cramp and cramp and cramp.

See how easy that is? Just go out there and walk five miles with all your innards cramping, and you’ll feel like a new person.

I wonder if these words of wisdom are the same on all the backings, or if there are maybe five variations. I wonder if any of them say, “Staying sexually active during your period will help to relieve cramps through cataclysmic orgasms.”

Now go catch a diarrhea-inducing disease again, rinse, and repeat every month.