From the home office in a dingy basement on Centauri Prime:

10. He’s keeping an eye on the z-axis in case a warbird materializes above.

9. He’s hoping he’ll be the first to spot a dropped bar of gold-pressed latinum.

8. He lost his favorite marked poker deck.

7. He’s practiced the Kama Sutra on one too many aliens.

6. Wesley keeps telling him, “Whoa, Commander, the horse is out of the barn!”

5. He’s measuring Troi’s cup size.

4. He’s trying to see up Troi’s dress.

3. Worf ripped his head off, and Crusher reattached it.

2. He’s surreptitiously measuring Picard’s captain’s chair.

And the #1 reason Riker walks with his head tilted:

1. He’s trying to make his hair fall out because he heard only bald guys get to command the Enterprise.

Copyright © Diane L. Schirf